


Fervent Unicorn

by LuckyWantsToKnow



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: F/F, Power Bottom Waverly Earp, Research Waverly, Service Top Nicole Haught, Sex Toys, Strap-Ons, These are just my head canons, Willing participant Nicole, combat boots, smut ensues, vanilla sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-25 07:57:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18257045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuckyWantsToKnow/pseuds/LuckyWantsToKnow
Summary: Maybe one day I'll attempt another multi-chapter, plot-heavy fic, but for now you are all stuck with these short, smutty, ridiculous little trashfires.Dear Bad Dragon, your company does great work, please don't sue me.I'm on Twitter @LuckyWantsTo





	Fervent Unicorn

Wynonna sprawled on the couch at the Homestead, a notebook on her lap and a cooling cup of coffee leaving a ring on the end table. The voice on the other end of the phone droned on, and Wynonna rolled her eyes, doodling circles on the paper, then decorating them with cartoon sprinkles. 

 

“ _...blah, blah, blah customers...know the product...no returns…your prior experience as a dancer... _ ” said the person who had introduced themselves as “Talon” when Wynonna’d answered the phone. 

 

“Uh huh,” she supplied, sketching out an apple fritter with long knobbly legs, and snorting to herself. 

 

“ _ Ok _ ,” Talon concluded. “ _ So that’s about it. Do you have any follow up questions for us? _ ”

 

Wynonna dropped her boots to the floor, sitting up suddenly, and glanced down at her notepad. She wasn’t getting any help from the donut-themed comics there, anyhow.  

 

“Nop-e,” she said. “I think I’ve got it. Commission on new sales is 5%, there are no returns, I need to be familiar with the product. And...uh...how exactly do I…?”

 

“ _ Yes _ ,” Talon said. “ _ We’ll send you the product case and ask that you examine the items carefully to familiarize yourself with the different shapes, representations and available options. You need to be able to fully articulate to our customer base which product will best meet their individual needs, and why exactly. This is a very specialized market, as I’m certain you have gathered, but we here at Fervent Unicorn are committed to tapping into our customers’ deepest desires. We want every sale to have a happy ending _ .”

 

“I see what you did there,” Wynonna deadpanned.

 

Talon laughed, “ _ I think you’re going to be a great fit, Aphrodite. Keep your eyes peeled for my package _ .  _ Oh, and by the way, telephone customer service reps get paid every two weeks _ .”

 

“Package,” Wynonna muttered under her breath with a smirk. “Okay, thanks, Talon! Bye!” 

 

***

“Nicole, Wynonna’s not in and this package needs to be signed for,” Lonnie grunted, dropping the large parcel on the floor next to her desk with a solid thud. Nicole looked curiously at the box. She leaned over to read the return label. “Fervent Unicorn. Hmm,” Nicole nodded, getting up and walking to the lobby where the UPS guy stood waiting for a signature. Nicole glaced at the clock.  She realized her shift would be over in an hour, so she fired off a text to Wynonna asking if she’d be around to get the box, or if Nicole should bring it to the Homestead when she came over to see Waverly later. Half an hour later Nicole had no reply to her text. She nudged the box once with her boot, feeling its solid weight, shrugged again and returned to her paperwork. This mystery would have to wait. 

 

What couldn’t wait was the text she sent Waverly, a sly gleam in her eye. The emoji-filled reply made her laugh out loud; who knew someone could find a use for the hammer  _ and _ the butterfly in one text. 

 

Ten minutes later Wynonna plowed through the swinging door into the bullpen, her phone in her hand and a frantic look on her face. 

 

“Nicole! Did I get a ….”

 

“Package?” Nicole replied helpfully. She glanced down at the nondescript box next to her desk. “Just this thing here. What is it?” she asked innocently. 

 

Wynonna glanced all around. Nedley’s door was shut; he’d taken to locking it when he went out for some reason. Lonnie was staring helplessly at the copy machine as papers flew out of the tray and littered the floor next to it, and Barb was slumped at the front desk, sleeping. At least Nicole hoped she was sleeping; she’d been in that position since seven AM, and after all, she was eighty-five years old. 

 

Nicole leaned back and crossed her arms, a knowing look lifting the corner of her mouth. “Wynonna?” she prompted. 

 

“I asked for it to be delivered to Black Badge but they must have dropped it here,” Wynonna whispered. “Thank goodness it’s brown paper wrapped. Why do you look so smug?” 

 

“ **Fervent Unicorn** , Wynonna? Remember ‘the walls are really thin’?”

 

Wynonna gaped at her. “Nuh uh.” 

 

“Yeah, Waverly ordered something from there one time. You know she loves an opportunity to do that internet research.” 

 

“She looks so sweet,” Wynonna mused, staring off into the distance. 

 

“This box is WAY bigger.” Nicole winked.  

 

Wynonna straightened up, her cockiness returning. She pulled on the lapels of her leather jacket. “I got a job.” 

 

“You  _ have _ a job,” Nicole frowned. 

 

“Yeah well, I got another job. A reliable paying job...well, maybe...with commissions.” 

 

“The job is in the box?” Nicole asked. 

 

“Oddly enough, yes it is,” Wynonna said slowly. “You have your box to play with, and I have mine.” She hefted the box with a wink and swung out of the bullpen. 

 

***

That evening, in the living room, Wynonna opened the box and pulled out a black metal case with a dark red unicorn emblazoned on the top. She’d undone the heavy metal decorative hasps keeping the box shut and peered inside, a slow grin rising on her face before she turned to Waverly and Nicole, both trying not very surreptitiously to peer into the case. 

 

“Can’t I just look in the bo…,” Waverly started, leaning over, but Wynonna slammed the lid shut and turned to them with a fierce glare. “No freebies!” Her look softened slightly. “Not even for you, babygirl, but also— I'm just horrified thinking about you and….really anything in here, in the same room.” 

 

“Oh... you should see the packer...oof!” Nicole held her stomach, tossing a hurt look in Waverly’s direction. 

 

“She doesn’t need to know  _ everything _ , Nicole.” 

 

Wynonna stared at them for a moment, then shut the lock with a decisive click. “Fervent Unicorn is kind of a specialty retailer. If Waverly bought a packer from them, it’s probably the tamest thing in the entire catalog. This is...well beyond anything you’d ever use, so why not stick to your vanilla toys and leave this to someone a little more...bold?” She shrugged on her jacket. “I’m going to Dolls’ to...take some measurements. G’night kids.” 

 

Five minutes after the sound of Wynonna’s motorcycle faded into the night, Waverly and Nicole sat side by side on the couch, the box’s dark weight almost palpable. 

 

Waverly spoke up, a note of trepidation coloring her tone. “I’ve uh...looked at that website quite a bit. It’s...interesting.” 

 

Nicole turned to consider her girlfriend, interest evident in her expression. “So are there things in there that you’ve thought about using on me?”

 

“ _ With _ , Nicole,  _ with _ you,” Waverly corrected hastily, then cleared her throat. “But, like-- semantics.”  

 

“We can’t, though, right?” Nicole asked, her tongue absently sliding across her lower lip. 

 

Waverly’s knee bounced in a rapid staccato. “I mean, we shouldn’t…”

 

“But?” Nicole asked hopefully. “It sounds like there’s a ‘but’ in there, baby.” 

 

Waverly’s hand reached out to run along the gilded edge of the case. She played with the lock for a moment. “I could pick this in two seconds.” 

 

“We could clean everything up...she’d never know,” Nicole breathed, glancing quickly at Waverly. 

 

“It’s research, right?” Waverly asked, staring straight at Nicole with a light flush on her cheeks. “We might be customers someday?”

 

Dark green eyes met Nicole’s without a wavering of doubt. “I’m game for whatever you have in mind,” Nicole whispered.

 

***

 

Half an hour later, the unlocked box sat within reach next to Waverly’s bed, but Nicole didn’t dare peek. Half the fun of this night was going to be in the reveal, what toy Waverly chose...and what she wanted them to do together. Nicole knew that Waverly liked to play, she liked to change it up every time. Tonight Waverly wanted to take the lead, and Nicole was more than satisfied to let her. 

 

Nicole lay in their bed, one arm crossed behind her head as she waited for Waverly. A snug, black racer-back tank top rode up to reveal her stomach, four inches of skin showing before the waistband of her gayest pair of underwear: black Y-front briefs with a thick rainbow waistband. She slipped her hand just inside the shorts, squirming a little as anticipation dampened the fabric. 

 

Waverly emerged from the bathroom, a black leather harness adorning her hips, and Nicole sat up slightly, licking her lips at the sight of their strap-on thrusting out of the front. Her eyes slid appreciatively up Waverly’s body, widening at the sight of a cropped leather jacket slung casually over her bare chest. Somehow, Waverly, naked except for the leather jacket, harness and… _ holy shit _ ,  _ she’s wearing combat boots, _ had Nicole ready to drop to her knees. 

 

Her gaze dropped to lock firmly on Waverly’s hand, trailing hypnotically up and down the shaft, and Nicole tried to speak. “That jacket...is new?” 

 

Waverly laughed. “That’s the first thing you noticed, baby? Tonight seemed to be a good night to break things in.” She pulled a bottle of lube out of her jacket pocket. 

 

Nicole watched as Waverly squirted a hefty dollop of glistening lube into her hand and spread it slowly up and down her dick. She swallowed hard. “What kind of lube is that?”

 

Waverly looked down at herself, tossing the lube bottle carelessly towards the dresser. It hit the edge and clattered to the floor, instantly lightening the mood. Waverly laughed brightly. “This is the Fervent Unicorn ‘Come-n-Wet It’ lube. Not to get too technical, but…”

 

“This is market research,” Nicole reminded her seriously, eyeing the cock with hunger. “Tell me all the best features of this product, baby, I might wanna buy some.” 

 

Waverly smiled, sliding her hands up her stomach to play with her nipples for a moment, eyes locked on Nicole. The motion caused the stiff leather of the jacket to squeak and Waverly sighed. “I don’t know how Wynonna does everything in leather; that sound kinda kills the mood.”

 

She shrugged her jacket off onto the floor and stood there in the low light, the slight trails of lube on her torso glistening in the semi-dark, the dark harness bracketing her hips and her strong legs disappearing into those boots. Just like that, the mood changed again, and Nicole could hear the blood start to rush in her ears as her vision tunneled to focus single mindedly on Waverly. She sat up just enough to push her tank over her head before dropping back against the pillows.

 

Kneeling on the bed, Waverly fell forward onto her hands, one on either side of Nicole’s hips. She dropped her face into Nicole’s crotch, trailing the tip of her nose up the front of Nicole’s underwear, drawing a short gasp from her girlfriend. Waverly nipped gently at the front of the fly before pressing in with a kiss. 

 

In a sudden movement, Waverly slithered a hand beneath the legband of Nicole’s underwear.  Her palm splayed to press against cropped curls as her thumb probed, spreading wetness around in a quick flick, not nearly enough for a suddenly slack-jawed Nicole. 

 

Waverly sat back on her heels, devious grin firmly in place. She rubbed her fingertips together, then slipped the tip of her finger into her mouth with a pleased hum. 

 

“Well, well,” she smirked, “I almost don’t need the lube.” 

 

“Market research,” Nicole breathed, almost too distracted to keep up the conversation, hypnotized by the slow roll of Waverly’s tongue around her fingers..

 

“Okay then, this lube is similar in appearance to the real thing,” Waverly said, nodding at the desperate look Nicole gave her at the sudden loss of contact. She tapped blunt fingernails against Nicole’s sternum, trailing damp fingers over her skin, throwing a leg over Nicole’s upper thighs and pressing down with her hips. “It’s water based,” her fingers traced Nicole’s abdomen, drawing a shiver, “non-toxic,” her palm grazed over the front of Nicole’s underwear, “and made in the USA.” Waverly leaned in and blew lightly on Nicole’s nipples, watching them tighten in response. 

 

Nicole’s hands cupped her face, pulling her up the bed over her body. She reached a hand down and tugged lightly at the dildo, bobbing wet between them. 

 

“Why’re you wearing this when we have a box of new toys?” 

 

Waverly smiled dangerously, leaning in and biting at the side of Nicole’s throat. “Oh Nicky,” she whispered hot in her ear, “I’ve seen what’s in that box and believe me, I’m gonna need to warm you up first.”

 

Nicole swallowed hard, closed her eyes, and leaned back, exposing her throat.

 

Waverly interlaced her fingers with Nicole’s and pinned them up over her head, leaning in to kiss down her neck and suck at her shoulder. Nicole hissed in appreciation, pulling her legs up and dropping her knees open so that Waverly could slip between them. 

 

Waverly chuckled against Nicole’s chest, where she was busily nipping her way down to a heaving breast where a hard nipple stood out starkly. “Eager already, Nicky?” She roughly collected both of Nicole’s wrists in one hand and ran the other hand down Nicole’s side, cupping her ass and grinding against her. 

 

“Mmm, Waves,” Nicole warned. 

 

Waverly sat up suddenly, gripping the dildo in her hand. She pulled Nicole closer by a hand looped under each thigh and spanked the dick down on her thigh. “You gonna wait, baby? Or do I have to make you?” she asked. 

 

Nicole looked sideways at Waverly through the curtain of her hair. If this was the way Waverly wanted to play the game...“Please, Waverly,” she asked, licking her lips, “whatever you want.” 

 

Waverly smiled brightly and leaned in to kiss Nicole sweetly on the tip of her nose. In one swift move she hooked two fingers in the waistband of Nicole’s underwear. “I liked them well enough when you showed them to me online, but these super gay underwear look really hot on you.” She pulled them roughly down Nicole’s legs. “You still look better without them, though.” 

 

Nicole hurriedly kicked the underwear off, shuffling herself back again so that she was stretched out on their bed. She reached for Waverly’s arm, pulling her down into a hard kiss. Nicole pressed herself into Waverly’s mouth as hungrily as she could, enjoying the taste of her tongue and the teasing pain of her teeth. She reached up and cupped under Waverly’s breasts, using her thumbs to stroke hard nipples, pressing her breasts together and then pulling her mouth off of Waverly’s to take both nipples in her mouth at once. 

 

Waverly threw her head back, balancing herself on her arms above Nicole. She looked down at the sight of messy red hair working at her chest, feeling herself grind against the base of the dildo, before reaching up a hand and pushing Nicole down on to the bed, away from her body. Waverly’s wet nipples hardened impossibly more, almost painfully, in the cool bedroom air as she reached a hand down again and took the cock in her fist. She looked at Nicole, wide dark eyes and flushed cheeks, and stroked her hand through wet lips. 

 

“I don’t even need to ask if you’re ready, do I, Nicky?”

 

Waverly pushed the head of the dick against Nicole, groaning slightly at the ease with which the toy slid in the first couple of inches. Nicole’s head threw back and her hands groped for Waverly’s hips, trying to draw her closer. 

 

“Mmmhmm,” Waverly muttered, “okay baby.” She thrust hard, the dick disappearing into Nicole’s sex in a slick movement, a short yelp drawn from Nicole’s throat as she clawed at Waverly’s lower back. 

 

They rested there for a minute, enjoying the way Nicole wrapped her legs around the back of Waverly’s thighs, trying to draw her in deeper. 

 

“Oh baby,” Waverly purred against Nicole’s throat, “Tell me what you want.” 

 

Nicole arched up, flexing into Waverly, intertwining her fingers in a fistful of thick hair and pulling Waverly’s head back so that she could look into her eyes. She leaned up until their lips were barely touching. “Hard and fast,” Nicole whispered, feeling Waverly’s lips curl in a smile.

 

Coiling herself above Nicole, Waverly began to slam her hips into Nicole’s in short, deep thrusts, plowing the dlldo roughly. 

 

“Ah, ah...I want you to fill me up,” Nicole huffed out, grabbing hard to Waverly’s ass and shoving herself upwards, trying to pull the dildo as deep as possible. “Please, baby...harder!” 

 

Waverly dragged her teeth along Nicole’s throat. “Just wait, Nic, just wait.” 

 

After a few thrusts Nicole was panting, her biceps flexing in Waverly’s peripheral vision. Waverly could tell that Nicole was warm enough, too close to the edge, and she didn’t want her worn out before the main event. She pulled all the way out, grabbing the slick dick and teasing it up and down Nicole’s cunt. Nicole’s fingers grabbed at the sheets, bunching them up as her jaw clenched. Seeking relief of any sort she reached a hand into herself and began teasing her clit. “Don’t make me get myself off, baby,” she said, staring at Waverly.  

 

Waverly stroked the shaft, jerking herself off and trying to look disinterested. “Okay, if you want to waste all this.”  She stood up from the bed and unbuckled the harness, pulling out their dildo and letting it all drop to the floor. She unclasped the Fervent Unicorn chest, not missing the way Nicole’s thighs twitched as she dragged her fingers up her stomach and sucked the tips into her mouth, waiting for her. 

 

Waverly looked through the assortment of toys in the box, before she selected a white and blue marbled toy from the depths. The shaft of the toy was lined with the outline of what appeared to be thick fur and the head looked oddly like a dog snout. She pulled up the tag and read the label. “Falckor: If it’s sensation you desire, Falckor brings you never-ending pleasure. Take him deep, vaginally or anally, and you’ll be flying before you know it.” 

 

Waverly bent over, snickering hard, holding one hand up to Nicole, whose hand stilled between her legs. “I’m so sorry baby, I don’t mean to kill the mood. It’s just...this one is like...from a book and...no, I just can’t. She tossed the toy back into the box, pulling out a large orange octopus tentacle.

 

Nicole’s eyes widened comically. “Is that a…?”

 

Waverly sat down on the end of the bed, rotating the toy in her hand. “Do you know the origin of tentacle porn, Nicole? It’s actually really fascinating. It’s been around for hundreds of years.” Waverly read the tag. “Tako wants to dive into your deepest fantasies. With a flexible curved shaft and a plethora of round stimulating texture…”

 

“Waverly,” Nicole sighed, “please just pick something already.” 

 

Waverly laughed and tossed the tentacle back into the chest. With an exclamation of pleasure, she made her choice, and slipped back into bed alongside Nicole. She leaned in, kissing her deeply, stroking a hand up and down her body until Nicole relaxed into her, her breathing picking up pace and her hands starting to grip more firmly into Waverly’s hip. “Listen Nicky,” Waverly mumbled wetly into her girlfriend’s mouth, “this is gonna stretch you out a little, so I need you to just relax and listen to me, okay?” Nicole tried to sit up then, her abs flexing against Waverly’s hand, but she was held down with a firm press. “No baby, just trust me.”

 

Waverly kissed gently down Nicole’s neck to her breasts, sucking lightly at each nipple as she teased the toy along Nicole’s thigh. With the length of it pressed fully against her, Nicole pulled back, her mouth parting slightly. “God, Waves, it’s huge. I can feel it…” but before she could continue, Waverly bit lightly on her nipple and Nicole clapped both hands to Waverly’s face with a hiss. Waverly teased the toy up to Nicole’s cunt and pressed its blunt end against her, causing her hips to buck up, then pulled it away, sliding her mouth down Nicole’s stomach. She circled her tongue around Nicole’s navel, all the while teasing the shaft of the toy against her thighs. 

 

When Waverly’s cheek dragged against short hairs she slid her hand under Nicole’s thigh, pulling her legs wider and dropping her mouth to breathe hotly against Nicole’s sex. 

 

“Waverly,” Nicole sighed out, her fingers combing through her girlfriend’s hair. 

 

“Yes, love?” Waverly’s words vibrated against Nicole’s clit, causing her to twitch and tug at her hold on Waverly’s head. 

 

“Waverly, please,” Nicole begged, and Waverly closed her lips around Nicole, pulling her clit into her mouth, her tongue stroking out with a firm slide to tease and probe.

 

“Oh my god,” Nicole groaned out, “God, baby!” 

 

Waverly slid the toy between her own legs, rubbing against her soaked sex, collecting her wetness all along the shaft, then brought it up between Nicole’s legs. She pressed the head against Nicole, never releasing her grip with her mouth, then slowly pushed the head of the toy inside. 

 

The grip on Waverly’s hair became almost painful as Nicole’s mouth opened in a silent scream of pleasure, the toy pressing deeper into her, the molded ring behind the head stretching her more than anything they’d ever done before. Waverly paused to let Nicole adjust, then slid a warm tongue soothingly around the top of the toy as it disappeared into her girlfriend. 

 

“This one is called ‘Stud’,” Waverly murmured against her, adding more pressure to the base of the toy to slide it slowly further into Nicole. A sheen of sweat glowed across Nicole’s stomach and chest, and Waverly trailed her palm up to drag her nails down Nicole’s ribs. “The description says: your inner cowgirl will love it when your pardner saddles up with this girthy sensation.” She drew the toy back out slightly, then pushed it deeper, repeating the motion until the toy was fully sheathed within. Waverly lay one final kiss on Nicole’s clit and climbed back up her body, holding the base of the toy with one hand and laying herself fully on Nicole’s body. “Any time I think about you in that sexy-as-fuck Stetson, baby…”

 

With difficulty, Nicole focused on Waverly. “Keep looking at me, stud,” Waverly whispered to her, rocking her hips in time with the toy pulling in and out. She raised herself on one arm, dragging her nipples over Nicole’s chest, pressing her soaked sex into her own curled fist, humping into Nicole. “Yeah, anytime I think about that I just want to ride you hard.”

 

Nicole threw her head back, a bead of sweat trickling down her throat as Waverly tossed her hair back, grinding hard into her own hand, fucking Nicole with the full length of the toy now. Nicole’s knees dropped open and she pressed her heels into the backs of Waverly’s thighs, grunting in time as the base of the toy sunk fully in. 

 

“Fuck, fuck, fu...Waves it’s so…” Nicole managed.

 

“Yeah, so thick, baby,” Waverly gasped into Nicole’s ear. “You feel so damn good.” 

 

Nicole somehow managed to open her eyes and was greeted with the sight of Waverly’s breasts, full and solid, bouncing nearly against her lips. Waverly moaned in pleasure when warm, wet lips closed around her nipples, redoubling her efforts as her pace quickened, her strong stomach muscles starting to burn with the effort of maintaining her balance and pace, the temptation to just grind into the toy and Nicole, to come, overwhelming her. 

 

She could feel the resistance against the pull and thrust getting stronger, Nicole was almost there, and Waverly wasn’t going to let herself come before Nicole. This time when she pushed the toy in, she pressed hard against it with her thigh, holding it in place, then brought her hand up to press two fingers around Nicole’s clit. With a sharp cry, Nicole bucked into Waverly, clawing at her back in a way Waverly was certain would leave a mark. 

 

“That’s it, Nic,” Waverly gritted against Nicole’s ear, “Come with me.” She nipped hard at Nicole’s earlobe, earning a surprised yelp, and then Nicole was screaming out in sudden release, as Waverly left the toy in place, straddled Nicole’s thigh and dragged Nicole’s other leg up over her hip.  She pushed herself into a kneeling position and ground into the apex of Nicole’s thigh and groin until her pleasure burst suddenly between them. Waverly collapsed, panting, onto Nicole’s abdomen. 

 

“Waverly,” Nicole whispered, dampening her lips with the tip of her tongue, “Go slow, baby.” 

 

Waverly nodded. “Just relax,” she said, rubbing her hand soothingly across Nicole’s stomach as she gripped the base of the toy and tugged slowly against Nicole’s vice-like hold. Bit by bit the toy slid out, glossy with Nicole’s release, and Waverly watched, heavy-lidded as her girlfriend stretched around the bright gold silicone, until finally the broad head popped free. Nicole let out a harsh breath, then rolled her lips in, laughter bubbling up from her stomach as she stroked along Waverly’s cheek and jaw, eventually opening her eyes to gaze lovingly at Waverly. 

 

“Wow,” Waverly smiled at Nicole, “that was amazing.”

 

Now that she’d had a moment to recover, Nicole’s usual cocky smirk dimpled her cheeks, softened slightly by a satiated glow. “Well thank you, ma’am,” she drawled, “for saddlin’ up with me.” 

 

Waverly laughed and slapped lightly at Nicole. “Oh my god. You’re ridiculous. You know, I have an observation to make, if I might be so bold?”

 

“What’s that, baby?” Nicole asked, tugging Waverly up to lie next to her. Waverly let the toy drop and sprawled across Nicole so that she could lean over the bed and rummage through the Fervent Unicorn box. 

 

“Wyvern,” she read, holding up a pearlescent toy complete with a molded, almost skeletal spine and hard, ridgy scaling. “This beast is just waiting for you to tame him. Climb aboard and straddle his extra wide wing ridges until he buries his treasure in your cave…”

 

“That’s a dragon penis,” Nicole said blunty, as Waverly put it back, selecting another toy.

 

“Unhh,” she grunted, her petite fist wrapped around the shaft, “this one’s really heavy.” 

 

Nicole’s eyes went from sleepy to startled in seconds. “That’s a…”

 

“You’re gonna want to gallop over and take the reins on Clyde.” Waverly interrupted, jiggling the toy so it flopped ponderously side to side. “This big boy is guaranteed to have you whinnying with pleasure.”

 

“Just stop, please,” Nicole begged, covering her eyes.

 

Waverly laughed. “C’mon Nic, I thought you were adventurous?”

 

“I am, but Waves! That?!”

 

Waverly tossed Clyde back into the box with a heavy thud, digging deep and pulling out a large egg shaped plug. She regarded it skeptically, then tossed it back into the box. “Nope.”  

 

“So, what’s your observation?” Nicole asked.

 

“Wynonna is right. We’re way too vanilla for this stuff.” Waverly sighed, pouting slightly. “Are we boring, Nicole?” 

 

“There’s a gaping chasm between boring and...75% of that box.” Nicole carressed Waverly’s shoulders, pressing a kiss to her temple. “And...you did just fuck me with your boots on, which was surprisingly sexy--not to mention that time with the cheerleading outfit, and let’s not forget Christmas.” Waverly giggled, adjusting herself to spoon into Nicole, who pulled the blanket up over them. She sighed, satisfied, sleep overtaking them both before they knew what happened. 

 

***

 

Nicole wandered into the living room the next morning in soft, frayed sweatpants and a loose Academy hoodie. She sniffed at the tempting smell of something savory cooking, and followed the sound of Waverly’s contented humming into the kitchen. As she passed through the living room she caught Wynonna’s eye. Wynonna tossed her a wicked grin, and Nicole paused in the doorway, suddenly worried. She knew that expression and it never meant anything good for her.

 

Wynonna held up her finger to her lips, nodding along to whomever was on the other end of the line, and Nicole shrugged, wandering into the kitchen to wrap her arms around Waverly’s waist and snuggle into her neck.

 

“Mmm, morning baby,” Waverly smiled. 

 

“Thanks for last night,” Nicole whispered to her, “it’s gonna take me a while to forget that.” 

 

“ _ That’s right, Talon _ ,” Wynonna’s voice carried in from the living room, “ _ all of it. Yes, you can ask. I just know my audience here. Mmmhhmmm. _ ”

 

“Who’s she talking to?” Nicole asked. 

 

“Dunno.” Waverly dropped a warm slice of quiche onto a plate and handed it to Nicole, who leaned in for a quick peck on the lips. They moved to the table and sat down, Nicole digging hungrily into her breakfast. 

 

“ _ Yes I have the customer’s credit card information right here _ ,” Wynonna continued. 

 

“What do you want to do today?” Nicole asked Waverly. 

 

Waverly tipped her head, considering. “I don’t know, maybe…”

 

“ _ \--4530 _ ,” said Wynonna. “ _ Yes, 04/20 _ .” 

 

Nicole shot to her feet. “That’s my credit card number!” She bolted into the living room, running hard into Wynonna’s outstretched palm. 

 

“Wynonna!” she hissed. “What are you doing? What are you buying?”

 

Wynonna tipped the phone away from her mouth. “Shhhh.” She moved the phone back in. “Yes, Talon, thank you so much. It’s  _ my _ pleasure! Bye!” Wynonna hung up the phone and slipped it into her pocket. She pushed past Nicole with a mirthful gleam in her eye, grabbing up the Fervent Unicorn chest from the coffee table where Waverly had returned it. She walked into the kitchen and plopped down in Nicole’s kitchen chair, cramming an enormous bite of Nicole’s quiche into her mouth. Chewing loudly, she looked between a stunned Nicole and equally flabbergasted Waverly. 

 

“Did y’all play with my toybox?” she asked, squinting at her prey. 

 

Waverly reddened, and Nicole’s mouth snapped shut. 

 

“Yup, that’s what I thought!” Wynonna barked out a laugh. “These toys have a ‘no-return’ policy, kids. I mean, after you’ve used them...who else is gonna want to?”

 

“Technically, we only  _ used _ one,” Waverly said softly, grimacing.

 

“And that’s disgusting.” Wynonna said. “But that box is called Pandora’s Toy Box; it’s a package deal of all of Fervent Unicorn’s most popular toys, and congratulations Haught, it’s yours!” She tossed a small silver key onto the table in front of Nicole.

 

Nicole and Waverly looked at each other, speechless, as Wynonna gleefully polished off Nicole’s breakfast. 

 

“I knew you guys couldn’t resist it if I left it on the table!” she crowed, pushing out of the chair and slapping Nicole on the shoulder. “And you think I have no business sense!” 

 

Silence lay heavy in the room after the front door slammed, leaving a chagrined Waverly and her slightly poorer girlfriend seated at the table. Eventually Nicole stirred, picking up the key and unlocking the box. She peered inside, a pained look on her face, sorting through the wild silicone fantasies within, then gasped. Pulling out a long, twisted, rainbow toy, she brandished it with glee at Waverly. 

 

“Every toybox has a silver lining, right?”

 

Waverly squinted at the toy, her eyes crinkling with her smile as she squinted at the tag. “Slide onto Sapphicorn for a once in a lifetime experience,” she read. “You’ll know what we’re talking about when you swirl down this rainbow slide to euphoria.” She licked her lips, leveling Nicole with a heavy-lidded stare. “All of my hottest fantasies involve one particular unicorn.”

 

Nicole nodded with a dirty grin, bouncing to her feet and scooping Waverly out of her chair with a joyful laugh. “Best purchase I’ve ever made.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Maybe one day I'll attempt another multi-chapter, plot-heavy fic, but for now you are all stuck with these short, smutty, ridiculous little trashfires. 
> 
> Dear Bad Dragon, your company does great work, please don't sue me. 
> 
> I'm on Twitter @LuckyWantsTo


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